


when the cold wind blows

by orphan_account



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 09:29:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4174752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>they both have seen each other, in a way that other people are not able to.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>but that is also why he pulls her closer, holding her, letting her face buried at the crook of his neck, feeling her breath still becoming erratic, and not telling her everything’s going to be okay.</i>
</p>
<p><i>because it’s not. and they learn it in a hard way.</i><br/><br/>(collection of ayahina fics, more one-shots will be added later.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. an echo at the back of mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> his voice is distracting, yet also saving her.

his voice is distracting her.

at least, it’s distracting to _her_. she never tells him, but he knows. he _always_ knows judging from a smirk on his face after whispering her name, just when she’s thinking about information she just got.

“what is it, ayato-kun?” she’ll ask him.

“nothing,” he’ll answer. “you seem to get lost. what were you thinking?”

 _everything_ , she wants to tell him. _i was thinking about data i just analyzed. i was thinking if sasaki haise is actually him, the real him. his voice sounds the same. i was scared, i still am._

“nothing,” she assures him with a smile. “but thank you.”

“for what?”

she’s still smiling.

–

his voice is saving her.

the darkness is surrounding her, there’s no escape. it’s like her eyes are being covered by a pair of hands. but whose?

ah, it’s the smell of nii-chan. she immediately relaxes, but still on alert because–

–hasn’t this happened before?

the hands are gone, she slowly opens her eyes, preparing herself to see a sight she will not like.

except it’s something beyond her hatred: kaneki, standing with a quinque in one hand, his back is on her, his hair is different. but she knows it is _him_ , it is _her brother_ , the one who covered her eyes with his hands so she couldn’t see the doves were killing her mother, the one who promised to become stronger so he could protect her.

that’s when she notices the bodies laying around him.

but it’s not bodies. it’s corpses. with their mask having been torn off, revealing their face.

she spots one mask that looks familiar. _too familiar_.

a black rabbit mask.

she looks up in horror–and hears a screaming in a distant. except it was _her_ screams, and sasaki haise turns around–

“hinami!”

she jerks awake, sitting up and gasping for breath. her eyes are damp and her throat feels sore, she can still feel the rush from the dream; the horror, the panic, the _rage_.

“hinami, are you okay?” ayato’s hands are still on her shoulders, as she realizes _he_ was the one calling her name.

“it’s okay,” she nods, but it looks like she’s assuring herself instead of ayato. “it’s fine. i’m okay.”

he can’t fool her. those three years they had spent together to train, to do mission, to work side by side, have changed the way they think about each other. inside of ayato’s rude attitude, he longs to see his only family he can’t get in touch with (more like his fault, if hinami is to be honest). inside of her soft attitude, she longs to be stronger and she keeps this rage inside of her that actually _exists_ but but she doesn’t let it control her. instead, she pets it, feeds it with promises and possibility, and makes it not become a monster.

they both have seen each other, in a way that other people are not able to.

but that is also why he pulls her closer, holding her, letting her face buried at the crook of his neck, feeling her breath still becoming erratic, and not telling her everything’s going to be okay.

because it’s not. and they learn it in a hard way.

he hears her whispering, “thank you.”

_i don’t know what i’d do if your voice didn’t pull me back out of the nightmare._

–

but this time, when she hears him calling out for her, it’s already too late.

she was still in disbelief at seeing sasaki haise protecting her, fighting takizawa, for _her_ , when she hears it.

“hinami is still inside!”

and she notices a man walking toward him, a suitcase in hand. _the reaper_.

“idiot! there’s no chance we can win against this many!”

but hinami is glad that for once, naki can think clearly and save ayato, so he can’t see her being hopeless, surrounded by the doves, waiting for the moment of a quinque hitting her skin. just like her mother.

_i am going to die._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! any comment/feedback/review will be great!


	2. the light at the end of the tunnel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she won't let him turn on the lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this is why its rating is M--because there's some smut except it doesn't feel like smut because i don't know how to write smut. uh, happy reading!

she won’t let him touch her. and she also won’t let him turn on the lights.

she is straddling his hips, both of them are still clothed, while their lower parts are covered with nothing but their skin against each own.

his hands are kept on his sides, and yet, _it doesn’t seem right._ everything _doesn’t seem right._

and so he stops her before she could even lower herself.

“what had gotten to you, hina?” he asks slowly, while sitting up, his hands keep her hips to move her further.

“why, ayato-kun?” she purrs, one hand slowly grazing his face. “don’t you like it? *don’t you miss me?*”

even when he can’t see her face, he can imagine what her eyes will look like: hollow, empty gaze staring at him.

he grabs her hand, and pulls it from his face, but he’s not letting it go.

“what did they do to you?” he asks again, softer this time.

they never talked about the time she spent in cochlea. and she’s– _different_. she’s always been quiet, not saying much except it’s necessary, but there’s this _something_ in her that makes him look at her like she’s a stranger.

which she is not. she is still hinami, the girl who used to follow his steps before he finally let her to walk side by side once he started trusting her for saving his life. (damn the doves and their silence movements.)

she is still hinami, the girl who read him book until he falls fast asleep.

she is still hinami, the girl who, after all this time, still welcomes him to use her ability many times

she is still hinami, the girl who trust him.

but he is also still ayato, the boy who let her going through all this when she didn’t even need to be the part of the mission in the first place.

“i don’t want to talk about it,” was her first answer when they asked. he somehow thought, she wanted to talk about it with _him_. but days passed, weeks, and months, and she has said not a single thing about it.

and he didn’t ask.

so, right this moment, he decides to do it. if she doesn’t want to answer, that’s alright. if she does, he’ll listen.

but she does neither of those.

she stills. and he can listen to the ruffle of shirt, being taken off, and he thinks, _this is not the answer i was expecting…_

he can hear her heavy breath, as she pulls his hand to touch her skin… on her stomach.

his eyes are widened at the feel of… _scars_.

he grits his teeth, “can i?”

“yes,” her voice is merely a whisper, as he slowly moves his hand to her back, her spines, her arms…

_theyfuckingtouchhertheyfuckingtouchhertheyfuckingtouchher–_

“ayato-kun,” she cups his face in both of her hands, with just an inch away from his face.

he doesn’t realize he has been gripping her too tight, and his fists relax. he bows her head and mutters an apology, but still his body is shaking–with anger, with rage, _they’re going to pay for this._

_iwillfuckingkillthemiwillfuckingkillthemiwillfuckingkillthem._

that’s when he realizes her body is also shaking–she is silently crying, and her hands are leaving his face as they go to cover her face.

he slowly pulls her hands away, and he leans in to kiss her tears.

“i’ll make them pay,” he whispers, voice full with promise knows he can do it, for _her_.

but his eyes have gotten used to the darkness, he sees she’s shaking her head. she’s trying to say something in return, but a soft sob replaces her words instead.

“shh,” he kisses her eyelid, tasting the tears in his tongue, and his lips move to her cheeks, jaw, neck, spine…

he lays her on her back, all while his lips are still on her skin, and he kisses the scars on her body. all of them. he still feels responsible for getting her through all of this. he whispers the words as he kisses the scars.

_i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry._

and he doesn’t realize he’s also crying.

she pulls him up to press her lips against his, and she doesn’t know if the salt is from her tears or his, but she wipes it away, and kisses his tears like he did to her, muttering, “it’s okay.”

and that, is the truth.

they are stumbling, clumsy, their visions blurred with the darkness and their tears–yet their movements are slow.

and then it becomes desperate, like their frustration.

him, for not being able to protect her.

her, for not being able to be honest to him.

when they are finished, he still stays inside, leaning on his elbows while trying not to crush her. their foreheads touch, and stay there. he can see the glistening in her eyes.

“i’m sorry.”

“it’s okay.” she whispers, trying to smile.

but he is also _trying_ to smile, while he can feel the scars on her stomach pressing his skin and the rage is here again. he slowly pulls out, and lays on her side.

they stay like that for moments. their breathing have gone slow, and her hand reaches his.

“i’m afraid to sleep,” she whispers.

“i’ll stay with you.” he says. and she lets go of his hand, rolling over with her back facing him. he drapes an arm around her waist, and kisses her bare shoulder, where her koukaku have been.

“ayato-kun,” she whispers. “i’m sorry. for keeping this from you, but this is _not_ your fault.” she squeezes his hand.

“it’s okay,” he replies, burying his face on her hair, and letting her familiar scent fill the whole room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! any feedback/review/comments will be great!


	3. tsundoku - 積ん読

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she is waiting for him, and he's lying to her.
> 
> part of ayahina week day 1: confession.

> _tsundoku - _積ん読_  
> _
> 
> _(n.) buying books and not reading them; letting books pile up unread on shelves or floors or nightstands._

* * *

With eyes occasionally gazing at the door, Hinami finds herself sighing when she finds nobody has come to their little bookstore. Well, not the one she is expecting, of course.

“Is… something wrong, Hinami-chan?”

She jumps at the sound of Mutsuki-san calling for her, and can feel herself blushing for being found daydreaming by her co-worker.

“N-no,” she stutters. “Everything’s fine, Mutsuki-san, thank you.” She avoids his eyes and finds something in the cashier table is more interesting than looking at Mutsuki’s frown.

But what Hinami doesn’t know is: Mutsuki has a smirk on his face, he certainly knows what Hinami’s been up to.

“Anyway, Hinami-chan,” he crosses his arms and looks out of the door. “I haven’t seen your friend around. Is he sick? Or… are you guys fighting?”

“F-friend? I-I don’t have any friend,” her face is even redder than Mutsuki thought she could. But he keeps going.

“Really? So I’m not your friend?” He makes a pout and Hinami looks up a little to see it. “Or,” he pauses, to make a dramatic tension. “Is he your boyfriend?” He whispers.

“No!” She answers fast—a little too fast. “He’s not my anything!”

Just when she says that, someone walks in. They both turn to see—and froze.

A boy, a little older than Hinami and younger than Mutsuki, with blue hair and black jacket and jeans (and Mutsuki sometimes wonders if that boy ever wears that during summer), and his eyes are on Hinami.

“Speak of the devil,” Mutsuki has managed to whisper it to Hinami’s ear before stepping away, to leave them alone and probably, something to tease her about later.

Hinami can’t think of anything to say because: 1) Mutsuki has been out of sight. 2) Ayato has been already in front of her.

Yes, Ayato. Kirishima Ayato, who, Hinami had learned his name just a few weeks ago. When they first had met here.

Ayato was with a friend, who wanted to buy something for his big brother, while Ayato kept muttering something about _Let’s go somewhere else. Or, are you sure this is the place where your big brother will have something he likes?_

In the end, though, Ayato’s friend—Naki, Ayato had told her his name—finally bought a book which actually is her personal favorite, and she said that when she handed Naki his change.

Back then, Ayato had stared at her with his eyes—with an unreadable expression on his face. She had to say, the stare was a little intimidating she had to close her mouth and mumbling her thanks while avoiding his gaze.

She never thought she’d have met him again. Like now.

“Hey,” he flashes her a smile—a boyish smile of his which shows a dimple on his cheeks, and makes him look younger than he is. (She finally learns he’s just a year older than her.)

“Hey,” she replies with a little smile, silently wishing she’d stop blushing. No luck. She wishes she could have untied her ponytail to cover her face with her hair. “Have you read the book you bought last week?”

“Um, yeah. Nice one.” He rubs his hair unconsciously. “Do you have… something similiar?”

Hinami bites her lip and quietly replies, “You know, Kirishima-san… I know… about…”

“About…?” She can tell he doesn’t like her tone of voice, like she knows his little secret, which, she actually does.

She dares herself to tilt her head to look up—and finds his eyes widen and there’s a slight of panic in them and Hinami can’t help but laugh a little.

“About you don’t actually read any of books you bought here.” She’s still laughing, putting one hand to cover her mouth.

Hinami swears she can see blood draining from his face and he mutters a swear before coming up with a reply, his voice shaking and slight of anger and confusion.

“Did— _did Naki tell you?_ ” He’s not shouting but she knows he wants to shout—if only they were in a public place. “ _That fucking—I swear to God I’d kill him if he told you._ ”

But she’s still laughing; at his expression, at his tone of saying, at him for not even looking her in the eye. 

"No,” she answers. “He didn’t tell me—I never even saw him again since the day you two were here—but your sister did.”

That catches Ayato’s attention. “ _My sister?!_ “ He’s shouting now, making Mutsuki peeking his head to watch them with a worry look. Hinami waves her hand to shush him off.

"Yes,” she says. “Your sister? The one who’s slightly shorter than you? The blue-haired woman whose hair covers one of her eyes?” She remembers how that day, a few days ago, a young woman who’s certainly older than Hinami, came in and once again Hinami was reminded of a boy who seldom comes here. She guessed if the woman was his relative of something, and Hinami was right.

“What did she say?!” Ayato is no longer shouting, although Hinami can see he’s trying his best to pull himself together. Can’t blame him.

“Um, she said something about how you two live in a small apartment and there’s no more room for books? And how her co-worker has to take them?”

“Fuck,” he rubs his eyes with his fingers. “Look—I know what you’re thinking but… I’m not really a book person. I just—”

“That’s okay.”

He opens his eyes.

“I know some people really love to read, like me.” She continues, “But I also know there are some who don’t. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make me better than anyone else. It’s just like saying some people prefers coffee to tea, and some prefers tea to coffee.”

He gulps. “You… you’re not mad that I never read your book recommendations?”

She laughs. “No, it’s fine, really. Even to those who like reading the same as I do, they always think I have weird interest in books and never read anything I’d recommended.”

But Hinami doesn’t say anything about Ayato’s sister saying they should just go out to have some coffee so Ayato could stop buying books.

“However,” she says. “If you don’t like reading, maybe you could listen to one of the audiobooks. Listening is not as bad as reading.”

“Yeah, will do that probably.” He mutters.

“There’s reading out loud event every Thursday, and I’m usually the one reading it to the little kids,” she explains. “I’ll be reading Fortunately, The Milk… maybe you want to hear if I’m doing okay…?” 

While she’s fine with Ayato’s effort, she actually never asks a boy to go on a date: she never has time for a relationship. There’s always homework to do, books to read, coffee to drink, topics to talk about with her parents… but when she’s in college, she finally starts to wonder what it’s like to hold hands with a boy she likes.

And she likes Kirishima Ayato.

"Okay,” he answers. “When?”

“Um, my shift will end at 7pm.”

“7pm, is it.” He’s still not meeting her eyes. “Look, I’m sorry I… made it up. It’s just that—”

“It’s really fine, Kirishima-san—”

“Ayato.”

“—Okay, Ayato. It’s fine. I really like you. And I appreciate your effort so to return it, I’d like to get to know you better. Like, do you prefer coffee or tea? Or even milk? What’s your favorite color? What do you think of Fortunately, The Milk even if it’s just a children literature? What do you do? Are you in college? What are you majoring? Things like that.” She closes her mouth and—

_Did I just admit I like him?  
_

"Um, I prefer coffee, because my sister makes the best coffee in the world. My favorite color is black, as you can see… and let’s save the others for… our date?”

She tries to hide her smile. “Okay.”

“Great, I’ll see you at 7pm.”

“7pm.” She repeats.

He starts to walk out, only to turn his head at her at the last minute and waves. She waves back.

“My little Hinami-chan is growing up.” Mutsuki suddenly stands beside her, in his last position, pretends to wipe unseen tears with the back of his hand.  
Hinami smacks his shoulder, laughing.

“Shut up. At least _I_ have a date tonight.”

"Ouch.”


	4. you, again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hinami has not been returning ayato's calls for the past two days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written for ayahina week day 3 prompt: family.

_Well_ , Ayato thinks. _This is it. I want to know if she's avoiding me or if we're breaking up._

Neither of the thoughts comforts him. But he can't come up with any other reason why Hinami has not returned his calls and messages for the past two days. And she also didn't show up in class. Many people have asked him where she's about. And who knows what would they have said if he answered he also had no idea himself.

Okay, Ayato's _worried_. Hinami lives alone, if something ever happens to her, it'll take days for anyone--for _him_ \--to find out. That, and the fact she always loses a hold of her phone because she’s reading or studying. But she always, always calls him back.

So he decided to grab a spare key--"For emergency, and your need for cuddle is _not_ emergency, Ayato-kun." she had said once--and went to her apartment.

The place is rather quiet; unlike his dorm where it is full of college boys and drinking and pranks and girls' moans. (He promises himself to never bring Hinami to his place.) When he stands in front of her door, he hears nothing. Not even footsteps, not even her voice. Nothing. He isn't sure if she's home.

But where would she go? It isn't like, she has no place to stay over, but her parents have passed away. Her step-brother lives not so far, and she always chooses to sleep in her place rather than having Kaneki sacrificing his bed for her. Not to mention there's Ayato's sister, whom Hinami lived with after Ayato had moved out. But Touka always lets him know about Hinami's visits.

He steps inside, and finds no presence of her. The TV is turned off, there's a book on the table, but everything is such a mess. Plates left not washed on the sink, dirty clothes _everywhere_ , and there's this stain of dripping coffee made its way from the coffee maker to her room.

Ah, right, _her room_.

It's _really_ dark, with the lights still turned off and the curtains still hanging--and _is that Hina?_

He walks slowly, unsure, to the bulge on the bed. "Hey," he places a hand to what he's sure is Hina's shoulder. "Hinami?" he shakes her slowly.

"A.… yato?" He hears a whisper, and sees her face after: her eyes are glossy and unfocused, her cheeks reddening and covered with sweats. He just realizes how *hot* she feels under his palm. Wait--

"Do you... have fever?"

She coughs, "Yeah. Uh, why are you here?"

 _Is it just me, or the fever has made her gone mad,_ he keeps that to himself, of course.

"I was worried, you know," he explains. "You didn't show up in class, you never called me back. So yeah, I was _worried_." His voice emphasizes on the last word.

"Well, as you can see, I am perfectly okay--"

"Have you eaten something? Have you taken your medicine?"

"... I guess?"

\--

It takes nearly half an hour to convince Hinami that she can bear his cooking a bit, to make her gulp down the paracetamol, and to tuck her in bed.

It takes nearly two hours and a half to clean up the apartment. Well, not that his dorm room is free from germ or something like that, but _at least_ the apartment is not as filth as it was before.

He sits at the edge of the bed, making it jiggle and she stirs. Opening her eyes, she mumbles,

"Ayato."

He strokes her hair as a reply. The fever has gone down, but she still has it. "You feeling better?"

"You're here." She repeats, as if to herself, as if she doesn't hear his question.

"Uh, I am...?" He frowns; she has been acting weird, such as asking about his well-being. "You should sleep." He readjusts the blanket around her. Her hand grabs his.

"Stay?"

He obliges. He lies beside her, wrapping an arm around her, feeling the familiar warm weight against his chest. And he finally feels like he belongs to something, somewhere.

They grow up together. It was always the four of them: Kaneki, Hinami, Touka, and Ayato. Until the older ones mind their own business, and Kaneki moved out for college. Then Touka decided to open a cafe on her own, :re, and invited Ayato to live with her.

But Ayato and Hinami are _inseparable_. Everyone expects them to marry each other. Everyone expects them to be childhood sweetheart turns into high school sweetheart turns into happily young, married couple. They are right, not for the latter part though, because they are only freshmen in college.

And then _that_ happened. A car accident. She lost both of her parents a year ago. They were all devastated, after all. Asaki and Ryouko Fueguchi were like their parents; with Touka and Ayato having lost theirs when they were really young. Asaki and Ryouko took care of the siblings, and had Kaneki under their care. But _Hinami_ was their blood and flesh.

She started to change. More distant, more cold look in her eyes, more half-hearted smile.

Everyone was worried when she announced she was finding a place--a _smaller_ place to stay. Touka had asked her to move in, Kaneki also had, and it wasn't that Ayato had any other place than his dorm room. But it was settled.

Things between Ayato and Hinami do not really change. He can sense she just needs some time and place to be alone, and he lets her. She also doesn't like to make him worry more and more, so she always returns his calls whenever possible.

But they never talk about _that_. And Ayato is left guessing by himself if she's truly okay.

"I was being stupid," she starts. "When you rubbed my hair... I was thinking it was my mother."

He lets her have it; have a moment to reveal it all.

"I... just want to _disappear_. After everything. After I have no family left. Which is... stupid. I still have Kaneki-nii-chan, but--it's _different_." She sniffs, and he can see how hard she is trying not to cry. "I... miss them _so much_. I was being so stupid to think I was alone. And before you came, I just... wondered what it was like to go... to wherever they went."

He keeps rubbing on her back, listening.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Go back to sleep," he replies, pushing away a strand of her hair from her eyes. He presses his lips against her forehead. "Even if we're not together... in this way, I am _still_ your family. _We're your family_." His mouth moves down to her eyelids, and he kisses the tears and whispers  things about she's not alone and he's there, he's there living the moment with her. He keeps rambling about things until he realizes she has already been asleep.

She has a habit of clutching the front of his clothes when she sleeps. Making him cannot go anywhere. Not that he wants to. He stays, just like what he was asked. His hand still makes a little circle on her back. He hears a murmur from her, calling for her parents. His hand keeps making the little circle, his lips on her hair.

He closes his eyes.

\--

He smells coffee, and wakes up to a cup of it, on the bedside table. Hinami is sitting at the edge of the bed, with one hand on his hair, and eyes silently watch whatever outside the window.

He tries to sit up. She quickly turns her head to him, and smiles.

"How do you feel?" He asks, pulling out a hand to touch her forehead. The fever is gone.

"A lot better." She smiles, grasping his hand that is on her face. "Thank you."

He smiles, feeling something warm in his chest, to see her smiling like that. After... last night.

"You okay?" He finally asks.

She nods. And that is the answer he needs, as he knows she means it.

"You still need to rest."

She nods, certainly ignoring the fact the coffee is going to get cold. But he likes cold coffee, he likes _everything_ she makes. They lie side by side, facing each other. Her arm around him, her hand clutches his shirt.

 


End file.
